Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics: Commentary Part 1

OBSCURUS LUPA WINS THE OLYMPICS

Hi everyone. I'm GigaBob, the personality who wrote Obscurus Lupa Wins the Olympics (which I'll be referring to as simply "Olympics" from here on out) and other "quality" literature.

Just to get it out of the way, my real name is not Bob or Robert. I chose the name "GigaBob" because it sounded kind of generic, basically to represent a generic fanfic author with decent spelling and grammar. I also didn't want to use my main handle, due to being a bit embarrassed when I posted my first fic; my opinion's since changed, which I'll get into below.

The first fic I posted was The Life and Times of Lordgenome, which I wrote one night because I was bored. (This is a frequent thing for me: my best ideas all come to me in the night.) Then, when I heard that Lupa and Phelous were going out, I wrote "Eternl Lov Stroy" (which has since been renamed to "Love Story Make Eternel"), which is meant to be a parody of Hans Von Hozel, who writes strange, usually short stories with bizarre downer endings (except, ironically, one based on The Human Centipede). If you haven't checked out Hans Von Hozel yet, I highly recommend him, since he's hilariously bad and almost certainly a troll.

(Since it's kind of short, here's my personal opinion of Lov Stroy: I'm pretty ashamed about it, actually. I feel really dirty involving caricatures of real people being killed and raped without any really funny bits. It's a parody, yeah, but I still feel bad about writing it.) But after I wrote Lov Story, I saw the line "Suddenly, Sponby" quoted at a few places around, which inspired me to do further work. Originally, I was going to write a story about the titular Sponby (a corruption of The Spoony One, if you didn't get it): that fic would eventually morph into Sponby Reloaded, which I'll get into at a later date.

Instead, I decided to write more about Lupa, partially to make up for killing and raping her and partially because I was feeling particularly inspired. The title "Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics" just jumped out at me, and I ran with it. Like another legendary badfic, Cloud Mows The Lawn, Olympics really has nothing to do with the Olympics past the first chapter besides a few token references later on. This was entirely intentional, both as an homage to the former fic and because I thought it was funny.

See, that's how I write fanfics. Almost all of my current fics as of this writing are silly and deliberately over-the-top, with only a semblance of continuity or logic. I suppose you could call them troll fics, but I don't consider myself a troll: I prefer to think of Olympics and my other fics as a lighthearted parody, not a nasty jab at a certain author or group. I guess the difference is semantic, but none of my fics are meant to be taken seriously, even the serious ones. I just write them for fun. But anyways, on to the story itself. The story'll be posted in full, and whenever you see one of these buttons, click it to see my exciting and insightful comments on my own work. On to the main event!

CHAPTER 1:

Lupa was really happy. She had just won the Olympics! It had taken a lot of training and money, but it all paid off in the end.

I've labelled this fic 'exactly what it says on the tin' in the past, but when you get down to it, Lupa only wins the 100-meter dash, not the entire Olympics. Again, like Cloud Mows The Lawn, this is intentional. (Granted, it'd be pretty tough to win every single event, even for a Sue, but that's basically the least impressive achievement Lupa will rack up in this fic and Sagacious.)

"I won the 100m dash!" Lupa said. She had a gold medal around her neck, and she had even set a new world record! This was one of the best days ever, Lupa thought.

Suddenly, Sponby! He descended from the sky, riding on wings of anti-baryonic dark energy. The screams of elvish maidens sacrificing their innocence to ancient outer ones followed him, sending the entire stadium into convulsions of cruel ecstacy.

"The end of all things is nigh!" Sponby yelled in the despair of a thousand universes, cracking the brittle shell of the earth beneath him. He greedily drank the life-blood of the planet.

I'm not sure how well it comes across in the final product, but Sponby's appearance is sort of meant to be a nod to Thirty Hs. I don't really know where I had the idea to make Sponby (originally a misspelling of Spoony from Love Story) a cosmic horror, but evidently it was enough for an entire other fic. Also, "Suddenly, Sponby!" appears here again, mostly because I'm a huge whore.

"What do you mean?" Lupa asked.

"What the fuck do you think I mean? We're all gonna die, bitch!" Sponby screamed in desperation.

"Do not worry!" the president of the Olympics said. "We can help." He pulled a key out of his blazer and stuck it into the Olympic torch. The entire stadium transformed into a gigantic head, which flew into space and attached itself to an even bigger mecha.

"Lupa, it is your destiny to save the multiverse!" the president of the Olympics said. "You must pilot King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X!"

An astute reader might notice that there's a lot of giant robot action in Olympics and my other fics. It's straight-up author appeal - I love giant robots, especially the Super Robot genre where physics gets punted into a corner while giant robots do awesome things. The deliberate over-the-topness of my work can probably be attributed to my love of Gurren Lagann, an intentionally over-the-top anime which I highly recommend, even if you're not a fan of the genre. The name of Lupa's mecha refers to four other giant robot series: can you guess them all?

"But I don't know the first thing about piloting giant robots!" Lupa protested.

"Don't worry, Lupa. I will help!" Phelous said as he appeared from a portal. He grabbed Lupa's hand, and they passionately embraced before taking the controls of the gargantuan steel titan.

"It's easy! Just stick this thing into your ear!" Phelous grabbed a USB stick from the dashboard and gave it to Lupa. Against her better judgement, she stuck the USB stick in her ear, transfering her consciousness to the mecha.

"We are nowhere near powerful enough to take on the end of all things." Sponby said solemnly.

"Don't worry, I've got that covered." Phelous split himself into two smaller clones, which split themselves into four clones, and so on until there were billions of nano-Phelouses. The Phelouses started to pile on top of each other, until they formed a regular-sized Phelous.

"...what was the point of that?" Sponby asked.

"Take a look at this!" Phelous said as every nano-Phelous simultaneously committed suicide, spawning two exact copies of the macro nano-Phelous. They too combined and killed themselves, repeating this act until the NanoMegaPhelous was the size of the mecha.

I really have no idea where I came up with the idea of NanoMegaPhelous. I guess it was supposed to be a parody of combining mecha in general, but without the mecha, but it just comes off as strange in the final product. At the same time though, I established that Phelous in this universe can summon clones of himself, which would stay pretty consistent throughout Olympics and Sagacious.

"I've got a spaceship!" Linkara said.

"Cool! Let's combine!" Lupa said. They initiated a combination, resulting in King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X gaining the Comicron-1 as a purdy hat.

"Aww, I didn't want to be a hat..." Linkara complained.

"Too bad!" Lupa chuckled.

"Ehehehehehehe!" Doctor Insano said over a commlink, as the Sun transformed into an even bigger mecha-Insano. "Behold, the Unconquered Sun! Of Science!"

"And we're here to help too!" the Nostalgia Chick, Nella, Elisa and Todd said, showing up in a paaank fembot mecha.

"What the fuck is happening here?" the Cinema Snob asked, showing up in an immaculately-dressed Cinema Snob mecha.

"We're going to save the universe!" Lupa said. "Now, who's with me!"

"I am!" Angry Joe said, transforming the Angry Joe Watchtower into a lightning-spewing mecha.

"You have my sword!" Suede said while piloting twenty Gundams welded together.

"And my axe!" Paw said, riding a mecha-sized Vespa.

"And my gun." the Nostalgia Critic said, piloting the Death Star.

And I gave the rest of the TGWTG cast robots because having themed mechas amused me for some reason. I'll ruin the joke by explaining the origins of the mechas in the next chapter, mostly because I'm not sure that my thought process on all of the names is exactly clear.

"TGWTG-dan!" the president of the Olympics said. "Go and fight, for everlasting peace!"

I dunno, I've always liked the line "Fight for everlasting peace!" I think it's from the first Mega Man game, but I think it sums up the entire franchise really well - the heroes are almost always locked in some sort of war, and they have to keep fighting on the off chance that they can make the future better.

CHAPTER 2:

A quick rundown of the TGWTG-dan:

-King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X: Piloted by Lupa, Sponby and the president of the Olympics

-MegaNanoPhelous: a planet-sized Phelous made up of normal-sized Phelouses made up of nano-sized Phelouses

-Comicron-1: piloted by Linkara (and supporting cast), serving as Lupa's mecha's hat

-Unconquered Sun of Science: piloted by Dr. Insano

-Feminism Bot: piloted by (and supporting cast) and Todd in the Shadows

-Snob Racer X: piloted by the Cinema Snob (and supporting cast)

-Mega Ultra Giga Joe: piloted by the Angry Joe Army

-Twenty Gundams welded together: Piloted by Suede

-Halluko Vespa: Piloted by Paw and Pushing Up Roses

-Death Star: Piloted by the Nostalgia Critic (and supporting cast)

-The 666th Blistered Thumb Regiment, piloted by everyone else

I added this mostly to amuse myself with the "witty" names of the TGWTG-dan (for those who don't speak weeaboo, "-dan" roughly means "team"). I'm going to completely ruin the joke by explaining the references, since most of them don't really make sense if you're not me.

The Unconquered Sun is a character from the tabletop game Exalted, which also has a general theme of being over the top in every way. But I ruin what joke there is by referring to the wrong thing - in the Exalted universe, the sun is actually a ship called the Dirgible Engine Daystar, and the Unconquered Sun is a god-like figure. The "Of Science" is a nod to an old show called Bill Nye The Science Guy, which often added "Of Science!" to various objects (along with a little fanfare), and it seems to me like Doctor Insano would be a big Bill Nye fan.

I never included a description of the Feminism Bot, but I always imagined it as a pink version of Hedonism Bot from Futurama. That's not a joke, really, just more of my twisted delusions.

I don't know why, but the Cinema Snob always reminded me of Racer X from Speed Racer for some reason. Must be the sexy voice. So his mecha is the Snob Racer X, which probably just looks like Racer X's car but a lot bigger (and maybe with some pretentious glasses).

Mega Ultra Giga Joe is the transformed Angry Joe Watchtower, with three prefixes added to show its mega ultra giganess. Shonen shows in general tend to just add prefixes to names to indicate a new mode or powerup or whatever, so that's what it's parodying, I guess.

Same with twenty Gundams welded together. As a whole, I'm more of a Super Robot fan than a Real Robot fan (the difference is that Real Robot shows tend to be more realistic and gritty in tone, for those unaware). So I'm not a huge Gundam fan, which is why it's just twenty generic Gundams welded together, and not specific ones like the Wing Zero or Turn A or whatever.

Halluko Vespa is a bit complex. Hall comes from Hall and Oates, one of Roses' favorite musical acts. It's also a pun on Haruko (using the L-R reversal seen a lot in Japanese to English), who's a character in FLCL. She pilots a vespa. That's the joke. Laughing yet?

CHAPTER 3:

This chapter is meant to be a parody of Half-Life: Full Life Consequences, though I'm not sure how well that came across. I tried to mimic the general style, but I don't think it came across like I intended it: it just reads like a generic boring fic.

The rest of it is sort of an in-joke. I used to do a lot of online text-based RPs when I was younger and even less talented at writing. And no matter what the style of the RP was, fight scenes always seemed to boil down to "Character A uses attack! Character B uses attack! Character C uses attack! etc." on the villains, mostly because none of us could write actual fight scenes. I'm not sure how common this is in play-by-post RPs, but I wanted to homage that.

"The evil thing is at the center of the universe and we have to get there really fast!" Obscurus Lupa said. So they all went really fast to the center of the universe.

"Hahaha I am the end of all things!" The dark thing said as it started to absorb the universe.

"You are bad and we cannot let you eat our home universe!" Obscurus Lupa said.

"She is right! This is where we live and it's nice here!" The Nostalgia Chick said.

"Haha, go ahead and try to stop me!" The dark thing said.

"We will stop them!" the Blistered Thumb legion flew into The dark thing and exploded uselessly.

"Pathetic worms! You humans will need more power to defeat me!" The dark one boasted.

"We'll show you! King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X, use your Giga Shining Chain Rocket Goldion Gekigan Progressive Tachikoma Blazing Sexy Falcon Infinity Gem Buster Prism Hadokamehame PAAAAAAAAWNCH!" Obscurus Lupa screamed. King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X shot the dark thing really fast with missiles, lasers, exploding Tachikomas and sexy falcon gems.

"Aaaargh I am hit!" The dark thing said as it was hit, but it was not dead yet.

"Everyone we need to use our most powerful attacks to defeat The dark thing!" Sponby said to the rest of the TGWTG-dan.

"Right! Garlic Sandwich Derpdeedoo Attack!" MegaNanoPhelous launched a gigantic sandwich at The dark thing.

"Ultimate I AM A MAYUN Laser!" Linkara fired a huge burst of magic energy at The dark thing.

"Glorious Solar First Law Violator Of Science!" Insano pulled out a huge dildo and skull-fucked the laws of physics, creating huge amounts of energy which he directed at The dark thing.

The First Law Violator used by Insano comes from the original idea for Sponby Reloaded, where Insano was a recurring character. His main weapon was the First Law Violator, a piston weapon that created free energy and thus violated the first law of thermodynamics because of science or whatever.

"Glorious Solar" is another thing borrowed from Exalted, where a common parody of Solar Caste (one of the playable classes) items is adding the prefix "Glorious Solar" for unnecessary epicness, such as "Glorious Solar Desk".

"Chouginga Big Lipped Alligator Moment!" The Nostalgia Chick temporarily made The dark thing play chess with Cthulhu.

"Chouginga" roughly means "Super-Galaxy", and it's meant as another shout-out to Gurren Lagann, where one of the mecha is called the Chouginga Gurren Lagann (it's a moon-sized spaceship that transforms into a humanoid robot with giant drills on its shoulders. Yeah, Gurren Lagann's weird). So I guess a Super Galaxy-sized BLAM involves chess and Cthulhu.

"Exploitation Ray!" The Cinema Snob beamed Caligula, Night of Horror, Cannibal Holocaust and Monkey with 72 Magic directly into The dark thing's brain.

"RAEG Lightning!" Angry Joe supercharged the giant garlic sandwich as The dark thing took a bite, frying its insides.

"Fire everything!" That Dude In The Suede ordered his twenty Gundams to fire all of their ammo at The dark thing.

"Dark Paw Monkee Phantom Summon!" Dark Paw, empowered by the Monkees and the Phantom of the Opera, appeared and kicked the crap out of The dark thing.

"Dark Paw" comes from Paw's Top 9 Composers video, which is honestly one of my favorite things on TGWTG. I'm a sucker for sprite animation, and it's done extremely well in my opinion.

"Uh... Fire the damn laser!" The Nostalgia Critic ordered. The Death Star fired its laser, destroying Alderaan but completely missing The dark thing.

"Argh I am hit!" The dark thing said. "Except for that last one."

"Well excuuuuse me princess! You try aiming straight with a space station full of stormtroopers!" The Nostalgia Critic said back.

"Now Obscurus Lupa! Finish him off!" the president of the Olympics said. "Use your ultimate running power!"

"Yeah!" Lupa sped up to twenty billion times the speed of light and ran around the universe a lot. She hit The dark thing a lot of times until it was reduced to nothing.

"Nooooooooooo" The dark thing said as it died.

"Hooray! We beat it!" Everyone cheered.

"Congratulation Obscurus Lupa, you won!" The president of the Olympics said.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" Obscurus Lupa responded.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" comes from the Garry's Mod adaptation of Full Life Consequences, ending off the failed parody of said fic with a reference to said fic... sorts. And Lupa does occasionally say LOLOLOLOLOL instead of actually laughing, so it's pretty much the only thing that's a bit in character for her (unless you count the romance with Phelous).

CHAPTER 4:

Chapter 4's a bit weird. It starts off as My Immortal, transitions into a revenge fic, and ends with a very depressing cliffhanger that's never referenced again. Besides Chapter 10, this is probably the chapter I least like in Olympics.

Lupa was back at home. She was dressed in a black tank top, a velvet belt, a black leather miniskirt with chains all around, thigh-high black boots, leather biker gloves and Ghost Baby earrings. She had dyed her hair black the night before, and she was thinking of changing her name to Zombie.

"Oh hell no, I am not doing a My Immortal parody." Lupa said. "It's not even a parody! It's just a shoddy ripoff!"

"Shut up!" the narrator said. "You will do what I want. Or do you want me to call Mark Sevi again?"

"I don't fucking care." Lupa said. "I'll kick his ass like I did with the Bronies! And Tommy Wiseau! And Angry Joe!"

For those who weren't there, Mark Sevi is a film director who came across Lupa's review of a film he directed (I don't remember which one it was though). He then proceeded to post a very vicious and insulting blog post which downright slandered her. She handled it very well, and the post is long since taken down, but he posted a half-hearted apology that, to me at least, made him deserve one last thrashing. He takes on the memetic mannerisms of Charlie Sheen because that's what the blog post reminded me of.

Kicking the asses of Tommy Wiseau and Angry Joe happened in her reviews, but kicking the ass of the Bronies was in reference to another controversy with Lupa's review of an MLP movie, where she didn't mention Friendship is Magic at all. Some fans took issue with this, claiming she said she hated the show even though she didn't mention it at all. Again, since I was in all-out revenge fic mode, I figured I'd add that in just for fun - no offense, bronies.

"Fine then!" The narrator said.

Mark Sevi, an old douchebag who's bi-winning, stepped into the room.

"Hey Lupa." Mark Sevi said. "You're an ugly bitch and I'm a rockstar from Mars."

"Shut up Mark Sevi." Lupa said back.

"Imma rape you! But I'll kill you first. And Benzair will join in."

Technically speaking, Love Story's in canon with Olympics, even though Lupa dies in it. I'm not quite sure how that works, but let's chalk it up to alternate universes.

"Get 'im Checkers!" Lupa said. Checkers, her cat, mutated into a giant were-beast and mauled Mark Sevi. Ash wanted some too, but Checkers growled and Ash backed away.

"Nooooo" Mark Sevi said as he died.

"Hahah!" Lupa chuckled.

"SUBTLE!" Phelous said over the internet review cam.

"Get out of here, Phelous." Lupa said.

":(" Phelous said.

"Ok, fine. What do you want to do today, Lupa?" the narrator asked.

"Well, I think Jenny Perfect is kinda hot. I'd love to make out with her..." Lupa said dreamily. "Wait, no! Stop trying to make this into a slashfic, narrator!"

The fourth wall tends to fade in and out during the fic, exemplified here by Lupa protesting to being paired up with Jenny Perfect (which is a pretty weird ship, if you think about it - it's lesbian quasi-incest/masturbation). But the treatment of the fourth wall is also intentional: another huge inspiration of mine is Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series, which sort of does the same thing.

"Awww..." the narrator said. "How about a crack fic? Wanna be paired with Mal? Kratos? Tenchi? Stilt-Man?"

For the record, the Mal here is the one from Firefly, and Kratos is both the one from God of War and the one from Tales of Symphonia at the same time.

"No!" Lupa screamed back. "I don't want to be in this fic anymore!"

"You're stuck here!" the narrator said, laughing evilly.

":(" Lupa said.

And the depressing ending that's never mentioned again is another homage to Hans Von Hozel. I like to think that this chapter is what inspired Lupa to go and kill the in-universe Giga Bob in Chapter 11.

CHAPTER 5:

If Chapter 4's my least-liked Olympics chapter, Chapter 5's definitely my favorite. It's where Olympics transitions from mostly contained one-shot style parodies into an all-out clusterfuck of nonsense and awesome. Lordgenome did sort of the same thing too, but this is where I really found the style that I liked. Sagacious and Sponby are written in this style too, and I love both of those almost as much as I love Olympics.

"That'll be exactly twenty dollars." the mysterious man in the store that wasn't there yesterday said.

"Okay, here!" Lupa gave the man her money, and in exchange, she received a treasure map.

"Nice doin business with you." The man tipped his hat, and Lupa exited the shop. When she turned back to look at it, it was gone.

"Well, that's not good. But I got a treasure map!" Lupa said. She looked at her map, which had a detailed list of instructions to buried treasure. She followed the map exactly... and it led to her yard.

"What? Well this sucks." Lupa said despondently. She wasted twenty bucks on this thing.

Suddenly, a wild TARDIS appeared!

FIGHT PKMN

ITEM RUN

-STOCK MOON

-DA HOWLING

-POINTLESS PADDING SCENE

-GERRY

LUPA uses POINTLESS PADDING SCENE!
It's super-effective!
TARDIS is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
LUPA threw an Ultra Ball!
Wild TARDIS was caught!
*jingle*
Do you want to give a nickname to the wild TARDIS? (Y/N) N

"Hooray, I caught a TARDIS!" Lupa cheered. "Now for some timey-wimey hijinks." Lupa grabbed her wrist thing from the Reviewaverse Saga and got into the TARDIS.

I don't know how you would capture the TARDIS in a Pokeball. But Lupa catches it here, and The Imprisoned later on, so I guess that's an aspect of her Sue powers.

The TARDIS went two thousand years into the past, ending up around 30 AD.

"Hey, Lupa!" Jesus said. "How's it going?"

Because if you had a TARDIS, wouldn't you go back into the past to see if Jesus was real or not? I rewrote the following section a few times, because I wanted it to be nonsensical and awesome at the same time. I think it worked, because I love how it turned out.

"Pretty good, Jesus!" Lupa said back. "So what's going on?"

"Well, you know, I'm fasting in the desert and trying to resist the temptations of the Devil."

"Cool! Let's beat him up."

"You got it." Jesus said. "Hey, Devil! I'm ready to sell my soul."

"Oh, really?" The Devil manifested in a blaze of flame and smoke.

"Nope!" Lupa said as she punched the Devil in the face.

"Waaaaah!" The Devil started crying. "You broke my nose!"

"Serves you right!" Jesus waved his hand, creating an Ion Cannon in orbit. It fired down on them, hurting the Devil even more, but Jesus protected himself and Lupa with a divine shield.

"You guys are so mean!" the Devil said as he disappeared.

"Yay!" Lupa cheered. "So, Jesus, you wanna come into the future with me?"

"Sorry. I've gotta die for everyone's sins and all that." Jesus said.

"Sorry, I've gotta die for everyone's sins and all that" is hands-down my favorite line of this fic, moreso than "Suddenly, Sponby!" and a scene in Chapter 7 that I'll get to. I've seen it quoted in a few places too, which I'm rather proud of. One of these days though, I've gotta go back and have a proper fight between Lupa, Jesus and the Devil.

"Awww." Lupa said. She got back in her TARDIS, departing for parts unknown.

Originally, Chapter 5 was the end of the fic. I decided to revisit it for some bizarre reason that I can't think of, and since Chapter 5 was the last thing I wrote, the rest of the fic follows in that same general style. I did this a few more times in the fic, which I'll note for posterity.

CHAPTER 6:

Lupa returned to the present, but her house was gone! All that was left was a burning field of tires, surrounded by garbage.

"What happened?" Lupa asked. Suddenly, someone appeared in the TARDIS. It was ... ... ... ... ... Doctor Who!

I'm not a huge fan of Doctor Who, but I know Lupa and Phelous are, so I felt kind of obligated to have a Doctor Who crossover chapter (especially after giving her a TARDIS last chapter). Most of the chapter is nonsense that I would imagine being in a very bad parody of Star Trek or Doctor Who style soft sci-fi with a lot of technobabble... like this fic.

The thing with the Doctor's name changing every line was something I thought was funny at the time; again, a lot of the things I write in are things I think are funny at the time, and since I generally don't go back and edit or re-write chapters, I kept it as is. Plus, it could double as an homage to My Immortal and other poorly-spelled fics where the characters' names change randomly too. Let's go with that.

"COLIN BAKER!" Lupa screamed while gesturing to the sky.

"I'm not Tom Baker." Jon Pertwee said. He ripped off his mask, revealing that he was ... ... ... Christopher Ecceleston!

"Why you do that?" Lupa wondered.

"You've created a time paradox, Lupa! With The Devil defeated, his defeat of the Bliggurons in 15 Million AD never happened, meaning they came back and conquered the world!" Peter Davison exposited.

"Noooooooo!" Lupa screamed while gesturing to the sky.

"Stop that!" Sylvester McCoy said.

"Ok" Lupa said.

Thanks to a dramatic reader on Youtube named Manwithoutabody, I always mentally pronounce the word "Ok" as "Ock", rather than as "Okay". I think it makes it funnier that way, but as we have already established, I have a terrible sense of humour, so take that as you will.

"Now, we have to stop the release of the Herpaderp Virus in 1200 AD. If we stop that, the Gurgletrons will be able to fight off the Bliggurons and prevent the invasion."

"I didn't understand any of those words." Lupa said. "Are you sure that's going to work?"

"Trust me, I'm David Tennant." Rowan Atkinson said. "Now, let's go!"

And they go back to Arthurian England for some reason, even though the actual historical validity of the Arthur mythos is very heavily disputed. Though I'm pretty sure Doctor Who's crossed over with Sherlock Holmes at least once (I did a bit of research when I was writing The Eternity Dodecatrilogy), so maybe the TARDIS can access fictional universes too.

So Lupa and the Doctor got into the TARDIS and went back to 1200 AD. When they got out of the TARDIS, they saw King Arthur getting a sword from the Lady of the Lake.

"King Arthur! Can you direct us to the carrier of the Herpaderp virus?" Steven Moffat asked.

"Who art thou?" King Arthur asked. He pointed his sword, which was inexplicably a gold-colored katana, at them.

"I'm Obscurus Lupa! I saved the universe!" Lupa said proudly.

"Still your tongue, wench! Women have no place in a talk between men!"

"I don't like your attitude!" Lupa said. She punched King Arthur into the sun, but he came back with the Knights of Round.

"Prepare to get Quadra Magic W-Summoned, bitch!" the Knights of Round said.

"Don't worry, I have an idea!" Hugh Laurie said. He pointed his sonic screwdriver at the Knights of Round materia, which disabled them all.

"Noooooo~" the Knights of Round said as they died.

"But know this, Cunning Man! The carrier of the Herpaderp virus is... ... ... ...The Master!" King Arthur said as he faded away.

"Not The Master!" the Doctor said. "We can't get to The Master! His stronghold is hidden between the 10th and 11th dimension, and the TARDIS isn't set up for perception teleportation! We can't stop the Herpaderpians now!"

Again, my limited knowledge of Doctor Who is... limited, but I'm pretty sure that The Master tends to be a villain who manipulates from behind the scenes for some nefarious scheme of some sort. Not that I could tell you what his plan is here, and how something called the "Herpaderp virus" factors into it.

"Uh, couldn't we just go to 15 Million AD and beat up the whatever-ians instead of The Devil?" Lupa asked. "Or, you know, we could just time travel back to The Master's birth and kill him before he becomes a threat. That's always an option."

"TIME! DOESN'T! WORK THAT WAY!" William Troughton said.

It's been pointed out a lot, but really, if you have a time machine, why not just go back to before the main conflict started and stop it before it happens? I guess it depends on the particular rules of time travel in your universe (set-in-stone or able to be changed, if the latter, whether it creates a time paradox or alternate timeline/universe), but that's why, when I write a time machine in my own work, it's in Olympics (where there's no fourth wall and continuity doesn't really matter).

"I know who can help us! JewWario!" Lupa clapped her hands and summoned J-Dub. "JewWario, can you get us to The Master's stronghold?"

I like JewWario, and I felt like writing him in somewhere (he didn't get any screentime in Chapter 3, even though he was presumably among the Blistered Thumb regiment... so he would've died. Huh.), but he's really just a superfluous.... CAMEO here! See what I did there? Huh?

"Uh, sure!" JewWario said. "But first I have to HENSHIN!" Five minutes of transformation later, he shifted into Kamen Rider Yanki-J Gold Form. He Rider Kicked the time dimensions, bending space and time and opening a portal to The Master's stronghold.

"The portal will only be stable for .000001 seconds!" Kamen Rider Yanki-J said.

"Okay, let's go, Paul McGann!" Lupa said. They ran through the portal. They were greeted by a strange man with a weird gait.

"I aM ToRgO. I TaKe CaRe Of ThE pLaCe WhIlE tHe MaStEr Is AwAy." Torgo said.

"Wrong Master!" Matt Baker said, mugging to the camera while wah-wah horns played.

"The Doctor doesn't do those things! You're The Master!" Lupa said.

"Curses! Foiled again!" The Master said, throwing off his disguise. "And my portable chameleon circuit was working so well! Fucking Torgo, you ruined my plan!"

And again, The Doctor actually being The Master is a twist that, in hindsight, makes no logical sense. Why would he help Lupa along until the end, where he reveals himself for no reason except he's evil? It's poor writing, I tell ya.

"SoRrY mAsTeR." Torgo said.

"And I told you not to call me that outside of the bedroom!" The Master said. "Now, I'm going to trap you here for the rest of time!" He opened another portal and escaped through it, leaving Torgo and Lupa trapped between the 10th and 11th dimensions.

"How do we get out of here?" Lupa asked.

"I DoN't KnOw." Torgo said. "BuT i ThInK hE dOeS." He pointed to a gigantic mass of tentacles and glowing spheres.

"HRRRGHRGLGHFGKEL." the abomination said. It pointed one of its tentacles and opened a portal, which Lupa escaped through.

"WhAt AbOuT tOrGo?" Torgo asked. He was consumed by the abomination for his insolence.

Lupa caught up with The Master and belted him in the face. Kamen Rider Yanki-J Ultra Shining Gold Form Rider Kicked him for good measure.

"Argh! I am defeated!" The Master said. He warped away.

"But what about the time paradox?" Lupa asked.

"Don't worry, Lupa. I fixed everything!" the real Doctor said. They all had a good laugh, and went for coffee milkshakes.

I can't remember where "coffee milkshakes" came up, but I'm pretty sure it's tangentially related to TGWTG in some way. Maybe it was on a Twitter feed somewhere?

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